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The attraction of inspiration and deprivation class was so powerful for me. Honestly this topic transcends even romantic relationships in my life. I’ve found recently that there are even family members and friends that I no longer want to cultivate relationships with because of how unhappy or unfulfilled I am in the relationship. I’ve cut off several unhealthy relationships since last year, but particularly in the last six months. I remember as a young girl that neither of my parents ever seemed completely interested in being present for me or meeting my needs. Anything they felt was took too much away from their own interests, they quickly rejected. I am not talking about thing like my wanting designer clothes, but deep emotional needs like someone to comfort me or even a ride to college in the first year! Instead they expected me to make life easier for them. I could never understand what was so unlovable about me that to want to truly be parents to me.
Well, I’ve tended to be attracted consistently to people who are so incredibly selfish and withholding which makes sense in light of what I’ve learned in the class and the reading (myth of lost love). They tend to be interested in only how I make them feel and what I can do for them. The minute I would express a need (which I didn’t do often because I feared being rejected) they would come up with all these reasons why I needed to prove myself to them. Yet, they all turned to me for something: comfort, a shoulder to lean on, companionship, sex, to feel better, but never gave in return. I realize that I’ve made the mistake of coming across as if I have no needs for fear of being abandoned.
You see I found out that one of my core gifts is the gift or insight and honesty. I am a “truth teller”-I tell the truth as I see it. Not to attack or to shame but to call attention to the things in front of me. Sometimes it’s intuition and sometimes it’s through observation, but whenever something becomes clear to me, I say it. This got me in big trouble time and time again in my family. My habit of calling out bad behavior, questioning hypocrisy, or challenging the status quo was seen as “disrespect” or being “too adult”. This has also gotten me into trouble in love and work and friendships as well. So what did I do? Too avoid being abandoned, unfortunately, I’ve ignored my intuition and insights too many times to preserve or pursue a relationship because I deeply desired real love.
In the last year I’ve been running into former students and lovers and they are all telling me what I meant to them. However, it still feels all about what I gave to them and how much they miss what I offered. This is no longer good enough for me. It started last year when I ended a brief fling because the “you need to wait for me to be ready to treat you that way” seemed to surface. I ended it quickly and saved myself a lot of hurt. I’ve stopped connecting with people who I don’t trust and whose way of living and treating others disturb me.
I’m read to be in a relationship with someone that I can learn from as much I can share with them. Someone who is giving and who can accept my nurturing nature without taking advantage of it. I am starting to believe because I have truly only desired to love, to give and not to hurt anybody, God will give me that love and it will be big and beautiful. This class is giving me faith in that. I believe that if you plant seeds, then they will eventually harvest.