james stuart osbourn
Thank you everyone who posts here; on reflection I recall more incidents of deprivation than I recounted in conference. That one was the worse. I say this because of the negative feelings engendered in me when it fell apart- which was in the matter of weeks. The fellow was on my floor in the university dormitory but not in the same school. He was quite forward and I was, as always, surprised by it. It became very intense very quickly so that it was hard to concentrate on my studies. When it ended he said that he was not gay. I was incredulous. I became so angry that I imagine hurting him . I had been introduced to all the immediate family and knew his father to be an irascible, dominant man. I imagined writing to him about his son. I prayed hard not to do this and after a number of weeks when I never left my room except to attend classes, it passed. I realized I had overcome these terrible feelings and was stronger for it. And when in short order the fellow wanted back in I was able to push him away saying to him how close he and I had come to harm. Another incident, many years after and back in New York I met someone at a friend’s apartment. He was handsome, a successful businessman. He however lacked sensitivity and was very critical. One evening in his gorgeous apartment when he suggested it was time to retire, I said that he should but that I was going home. That was the end of that. Only one other serious harmful encounter occurred when I was on the cusp of owning my sexuality and which actually forced me to accept that I was, like all humans, sexual. This revelation came with an unsolicited sexual encounter and later betrayal that took me to the brink Fortunately my innate joy and hopefulness kept me balanced and moving forward. Most of the few encounters I have had were with fine people. Relations with these were very nice, more, good, but sexually I don’t know quite what to make of the fact that these were not very satisfactory, almost tangential to the relationship. I often wonder if this act of intimacy is too shocking for me. Perhaps if there would have been more play between standing upright and having to climax. I don’t know. I am capable of great affection I received abundant love from my parents and grandparents. My father, dead for half a century, is held in mind and heart. I dream of him often and strain to hear his voice. I hear it best in his laughter. I have a stuffed cat, made by his mother, that sits by my bed in and an ancient rocker. I still recall the image of me holding Felix while my grandmother was at her sewing machine making a set of clothes for the cat. My mother scrubbed, cooked and cared for me, for us all,with singular devotion. She had a deep spirituality and I sometimes wonder if the struggle with the sexual is because I loved her so- I don’t know.