Hello to All!
I am a Lebanese- Canadian, transplanted again to the US. I live in GA now with my kids. I have been married twice, and my kids are from the second marriage. Having grown up in the war in Lebanon, I have seen many atrocities and have had to learn to protect myself. My family was very loving, and I had a perfect nuclear and extended family while growing up, and always assumed my family life would be the same. When the first marriage ended, I was shocked. When the second marriage ended, I was angry, and rebellious, and started on a self-discovery and spiritual growth journey with zest and determination, to learn all that I could so that my next longterm relationship would be a success! I am still on that journey 5 years later! ( I had a brief engagement that didn’t last, during that interval)
These have been very interesting 2 classes. I am rediscovering a lot of qualities, or gifts about myself, that I have minimized, so as not to outshine the men I have been in relationship with, and also , so as not to feel anything, neither pain, nor joy. There is comfort in numbness. There is control of our environment. But it is not our truth. The numbness is like a void, it makes us hold back on “being” love, to pretend to have a hard exterior, it puts up walls of defenses that rival Jericho’s, it leaves us disengaged with life, or worse, it makes us run away instead of facing our fears.
This was a look at the pain side of our gifts.
The joy side is interestingly harder to examine, for me. I feel alive when I am outdoors, or when I am learning, or when I am sharing intimately with my beloved and he is attentive. But I don’t think that hits the target of what my core gifts are. I remember a scene from my youth, when I felt very expanded, and unlimited: I was sitting on a branch, with my cousins, on a sunny breezy afternoon, and we were just talking leisurely, as if we had all the time in the world! That memory is definitely tapping into my soul, and my love for a sense of freedom!
If I can feel loved and accepted, and free, in a relationship, like I did back then, that would be very cool! Of course, the emotions would have to be reciprocal from my end.
I am searching for potential dates online, and what I am noticing is that there is a couple, maybe 3 potential men who would be a match to my outer and inner life, right now. We are emailing back and forth, and postponing the actual meeting till I/we feel that this deep connection could be there. I am also feeling restless about my career. I want to create something new. I want to write, even though no one will read it. I want to clear clutter and old things out, and redecorate my son’s bedroom………. there is a renewed energy that is kicking in big time! And it feels really good to be inspired!! ( passion is one of my core gifts)
This is all I can think of right now, but I will be back with more when the muse returns.
I look forward to reading your realizations,
Until then, Namaste
Juliana