For my brave next step, I took a chance this past week and went to a literary event with one of my favorite authors. It was the first time I’d ever been to such an event, even though I’ve always wanted to do so. In the past I tended to make excuses not to go these types of things ( “too cold” “too late” “I have to go to work tomorrow”, “I’ll be alone”), but the truth was that I was afraid that I would be disappointed and that it wouldn’t live up to my expectations. I also feared being left out.
Well, I went to the event and I had such a good time. I can honestly say that this event felt tailor made for me. I was surrounded by other book lovers and I struck up conversations with other people effortlessly because we all had a shared interest. I hit it off with the girl sitting next to me and we exchanged numbers and will try and go to events together soon. I also RSVPd to attend a travel event for people who love to travel. It’s a long way from my house, but I think it will be worthwhile to try and attend.
In other reflections, I had a painful realization that deep down I don’t and have not felt good enough for a loving relationship. I, like Tara, am afraid a wonderful guy wouldn’t want to be with me once he learned my sensitivities and struggles. I cried for hours as I faced up to this painful feeling. I hate knowing that I feel this way and I am sad that I have let this belief lead me into so many unfulfilling relationships. Can I overcome this? Am I strong enough to change this? These questions are in my head and heart and I want to try. I have talked with my therapist and she believes that I can. I hope that I can too. I am scared that I might fail.