I thought it was a wonderful class, too (even with all the technology foibles).

A QUESTION FOR KEN:

When you spoke about about “the wave” you mentioned that when a person is experiencing the wave they should allow themselves the distance they need while remaining present in the relationship, and that they could/should communicate what they were going through to their partner.  (If I heard that part right.)  I just realized that in a recent relationship the other person may have been trying to communicate this with me.  The presented several mental blocks they were going through to me.  They didn’t say they weren’t interested in going forward, they were just saying where they were at (which was that they were worried about certain things.)  In hindsight, I see that very might have been them experiencing the wave but trying to ride it out.  (Maybe.)  My reaction in the moment, however, was that I felt completely rejected and abandoned.  They kept asking me to communicate why I was feeling and thinking but I found it impossible to do so.  I shut down.  I didn’t want to share ANYTHING about what I was thinking or feeling because I felt like the relationship was now OVER and therefore why should I have to share any of my interior thoughts?!  In fact, I thought it was awful of him to even ask that, as opposed to just saying to me that the relationship had no future in his mind.  My physical actions (after literally crying on his chest for a bit) was to physically leave his apartment and to state that I guess there wasn’t any point of my being there.  When I talked to friends about it, I said he had “broken up” with me.  In fact, he actually hadn’t.  I had broke up with him because I didn’t like what I was hearing, and didn’t have any way to cope with what he was saying.  In fact, in the moment, he said several times that he wanted me to talk with him and that (when I started to go) he didn’t want me to leave.  I think he may have been “waving” and just sharing it with me but I had no idea what to do, as I had never been on the receiving end of that.  My question, therefore, is: what are some possible responses when a partner tries to share that they are experiencing the wave?

Thank you for your wonderful thoughts Kandice and for your question/insight, Tara.  What a powerful insight you had; something you hadn’t seen before. I’m wondering if you might even be able to go back and share this with this person, though i realize that may not work of be fitting for you at this point-just wondering. It sounds like the way he hadled it was pretty open hearted. I think in a case like that it would be best to listen to what he had to say, share all your feelings, including hurt, and then take some time to talk to freinds and loved ones to see if this is something you’d be open to terying to move through. It’s a hard situation to be in, but you have a lot more tools now.

thanks for sharing that.

ken