Attractions of Inspiration and Deprivation

[ken1]

Hi class!

Your posts have been wonderful–thanks so much for all you’ve shared. This week, feel free to respond to each other about any previous posts, but also, share any of your feelings, thoughts questions and reflections on your attractions of inspiration and deprivation. The more you connect , the more these concepts will be able to shape your intimacy future.

 

all my best

Ken

[Juliana]

Hi Everyone,

This class on attractions of inspirations and deprivation really hits home with me, as I am sure it does with you all.

I read through the exercises, and am planning to do them tonight, when my kids settle down. I may do them on separate days.

I have known a true inspired love relationship, and lost it because I couldn’t relocate to his city, and he didn’t wish to relocate either.

We broke up a year ago exactly. We are still dear friends, but he has met and gotten engaged to someone else locally, and I am left wondering when I will meet my life partner. I decided this week to pull out of the dating sites. There is no one on there that inspires me, and plenty that I am attracted to by signs of deprivation. I commit to the path of inspiration, even if it takes me the rest of my life to stumble on such a man. My psychic says it will happen in the next 2 years, LOL, so I have hope again !!!!

I just want to cheer everyone in the knowing that if we yearn for something in our life, we can have it, but maybe not in our timetable, because something greater than us is orchestrating that divine appointment ( hint hint). So this time in between is what brings me to my knees, and drives me to go within, to discover what programs are running this intense and passionate heart of mine. It has been an awesome year of discovery, of healing, of praying, of analyzing, of growing, Oh! how I have grown! in compassion, in listening, in understanding, and in softening my hard edges. Walls have come crumbling down. I am vulnerable and raw. My wounds are out in the blistering cold, and you, my classmates as well as Ken, are nursing me right up. I can feel my strength returning, my courage to face the uncertain future is increasing day by day. I embrace the unfolding journey ahead,  each day carries possibilities ! I was inspired to rent the movie ” The way” with Charley Sheen. I will watch that tonight as well. I also bought Shirley Maclain’s book,” the Camino”, because they are both related to this spiritual journey we are all taking, albeit right here at home.

Ok, I am off to do the exercises. Talk to you soon.

[ken1]

My God, Juliana, how beautiful is what you wrote….

 

[kandice]

Hi All,

The attraction of inspiration and deprivation class was so powerful for me.  Honestly this topic transcends even romantic relationships in my life. I’ve found recently that there are even family members and friends that I no longer want to cultivate relationships with because of how unhappy or unfulfilled I am in the relationship.  I’ve cut off several unhealthy relationships since last year, but particularly in the last six months. I remember as a young girl  that neither of my parents ever seemed completely interested in being present for me or meeting my needs. Anything they felt was took too much away from their own interests, they quickly rejected. I am not talking about thing like my wanting designer clothes, but deep emotional needs like someone to comfort me or even a ride to college in the first year!  Instead they expected me to make life easier for them. I could never understand what was so unlovable about me that to want to truly be parents to me.

Well, I’ve tended to be attracted consistently to people who are so incredibly selfish and withholding which makes sense in light of what I’ve learned in the class and the reading (myth of lost love). They tend to be interested in only how I make them feel and what I can do for them. The minute I would express a need (which I didn’t do often because I feared being rejected) they would come up with all these reasons why I needed to prove myself to them. Yet, they all turned to me for something: comfort, a shoulder to lean on, companionship, sex, to feel better, but never gave in return. I realize that I’ve made the  mistake of coming across as if I have no needs for fear of being abandoned.

You see I found out that one of my core gifts is the gift or insight and honesty. I am a “truth teller”-I tell the truth as I see it. Not to attack or to shame but to call attention to the things in front of me.  Sometimes it’s intuition and sometimes it’s through observation, but whenever something becomes clear to me, I say it. This got me in big  trouble time and time again in my family. My habit of calling out bad behavior, questioning hypocrisy, or challenging the status quo was seen as “disrespect” or being “too adult”. This has also gotten me into trouble in love and work and friendships as well.  So what did I do?   Too avoid being abandoned,  unfortunately, I’ve ignored my intuition and insights too many times to preserve or pursue a relationship because I deeply desired real love.

In the last year I’ve been running into former students and lovers and they are all telling me what I meant to them. However, it still feels all about what I gave to them and how much they miss what I offered.  This is no longer good enough for me. It started last year when I ended a brief fling because the “you need to wait for me to be ready to treat you that way” seemed to surface. I ended it quickly and saved myself a lot of hurt. I’ve stopped connecting with people who I don’t trust and whose way of living and treating others disturb me.

I’m read to be  in a relationship with someone that I can learn from as much I can share with them. Someone who is giving and who can accept my nurturing nature without taking advantage of it. I am starting to believe because I have truly only desired to love, to give and not to hurt anybody, God will give me that love and it will be big and beautiful. This class is giving me faith in that. I believe that if you plant seeds, then they will eventually harvest.

Kandice

[lamcbride]

Kandice, thank you for sharing your story.  I can relate to what you posted.  Recognizing your core gift is key!  I had an interesting reality this evening.  I took my parents to dinner for my mother’s birthday.  I opened up and stated that God must be preparing someone really special for me since it has taken 5 years and I still haven’t met anyone.  My mother looked at me and stated that I would probably remain alone.  I was hurt by her lack of inspiration.  It is hard for me to be around my family with their loving couples and be alone. I guess I was hoping for some reassurance.  It amazes me how much they want and need me to do for them and all I needed was a little hope and inspiration, and instead I was asked to help them.  I love my parents, but now that I have taken this class, I understand why I am the way I am in intimate relationships! The giver and not receiver.   This class is helping me to move forward and like teflon, let other’s comments slide right off!  I’ve had to deal all week at work with a relationship of deprivation too.  I really appreciate having all of you and Ken willing to support me and my belief that God is preparing me for that awesome relationship that I desire.

Linda

[james stuart osbourn]

Thank you everyone who  posts here;  on reflection I recall more  incidents of deprivation than I recounted in conference. That one was the worse. I say this because of  the negative  feelings engendered in me  when it fell apart- which was in the matter of weeks. The fellow was on my floor in the university dormitory but not in the same school. He was quite forward and I was, as always, surprised by it. It became very intense  very quickly  so that it was hard to concentrate on my studies.  When it ended he said that he was not gay. I was incredulous.  I became so angry that I imagine hurting him . I had been introduced to all the immediate family and   knew his father to be an irascible, dominant man. I imagined writing to him about his son.  I prayed hard not to do this and after a number of weeks when I never left my room except to attend classes, it passed. I realized I had overcome these terrible feelings and was stronger for it. And when in short order the fellow wanted back in I was able to push him away saying to him how close he and I had come to harm.  Another incident, many years after and back in New York I met someone at a friend’s apartment. He was handsome, a successful businessman. He however lacked sensitivity and was very critical. One evening in his gorgeous apartment when he suggested it was time to retire, I said  that he should  but that I was going home. That was the end of that. Only one other serious harmful encounter occurred  when I was on the cusp of owning my sexuality and which actually forced me to accept that I was, like all humans,  sexual. This revelation came with an unsolicited sexual encounter and later betrayal that took me to the brink  Fortunately my innate joy and hopefulness kept me balanced and moving forward.  Most of the few encounters I have had were with fine people. Relations with these were very nice, more, good, but sexually I don’t  know quite what to make of the fact that these were not very satisfactory, almost tangential to the relationship. I often wonder if this act of intimacy is too shocking for me. Perhaps if there would have been more play between standing upright and having to climax. I don’t know. I am capable of great affection I received abundant love from my parents and grandparents. My father, dead for half a century, is held in mind and heart. I dream of him often and strain to hear his voice. I hear it best in his laughter.  I have a stuffed cat, made by his mother, that sits  by my bed in and  an ancient rocker. I still recall the image of me holding Felix while my grandmother was at her sewing machine making a set of clothes for the cat.  My mother scrubbed, cooked and cared for me, for us all,with singular devotion. She had a deep spirituality and I sometimes wonder if  the struggle with the sexual is because I loved her so- I don’t know.

 

[kellin]

Wow, beautiful posts…thank you for sharing.  So I have done my homework, I know what to look for in an attraction of inspiration…I pray, I meditate, I visualize and have an idea of the qualities of what to look for in a partner.   I need to set boundaries and stick up for myself which will make me sound/act like a bitch, which is what my mother was and I always swore I would never be like her…How do I learn to be assertive and honest,  like what Kandice was talking about,  without the fear of of coming off like a bitch which in my mind will lead to rejection and abandonment?

[ken1]

I

I’m so profoundly moved by your posts, people. You are all beginning to see patterns, terendously important ones, albeit so deeply painful. You ar facing what is, and beginning to find the “no” inside to attraction s of deprivations, and that is giving many of you new hope. Kandice, it is wonderful how clear these patterns are becoiming to you; hard to see and feel I imagine, but so important.Linda, the same words aply to you, as seen in that terribly hurtful response by your mother. Kelli, so glad you did the exercise and are focused like this. And yes its so hard to hold both the assertion and the kindness. I support you in a learning this new way; as they say in alanon, say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean. James, you revealed so much more in this post..thank you!!

Another class member wrote a post too, with very similar themes–the awakening to patterns of deprivation and the struggle to create something new and different–a relationship really based on love and commitment.

She posted this as a separate topic, and she asked for feedback too, so if you could be sure to go there, that would be great.Talk to you all tonight–very much looking forward

Ken

 

[ken1]

That post is called “would love feedback from anyone”  Thanks!

http://www.deeperdating.com/forums/topic/would-love-feedback-from-anyone/

[marlaboo]

I have to say I am so impressed by the amount that everyone has been able to open up and for the braveness.  I really feel like you are all such great people who have taken the time to learn about yourselves and grow tremendously as a result!  I am really glad to be a part of this group.

This past year I have had several men in my life & I would always picture if I could be with any of them down the road.  One was a man I reconnected with from high school & dated long distance for 6 intense months (he was intense is what I mean); another was the contractor who worked on my house and we became friends and shared our sense of humor (which I love) – he had broken off his wedding but was still living with his girlfriend; another was the man I met while he was here on business (we continued to keep in touch for months after he went back to Florida and he was talking to me about his next trip out and taking extra days to just be with me – not work related).

The past 2 months (after taking this class) I have been thinking a lot about my core gifts and what I really need from someone, and also the deprivation versus inspiration ideas.  I sent an email out of the blue to the guy in Florida, essentially ending our contact despite the fact that I am still very interested in him (I want someone who is more available & more emotional and spiritual).  I became very clear on the fact that the guy from high school is not for me and have stopped corresponding with him (I want a guy who enjoys all people without critiquing, who is trusting, calm, shares my humor, and is not needy); and when the contractor came over for my superbowl party I had no feelings toward him, unlike in the past, and decided to stop inviting him to my events (I want someone available, and not so moody -sometimes he would be so funny & fun to hang out with and other times he seemed so down or crabby).

I have also noticed that I am finding it more difficult to be around one of my friends who always plays devils advocate & does not seem to be as supportive of the new career I am trying to get off the ground (Photography) – when my family and other friends have been extremely supportive.  I find myself really wanting to surround myself with positive, fun, adventurous people, who are not negative, critical or trying to bring me down in any way.  The past 6 months I have felt so great and open to new possibilities and I want to surround myself with people who have that same energy and appreciate me for who I am!

~Marla

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