10 years, 1 month ago-
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Hi all, the new post is based upon our l;ast class..what were your reflections on your next brave step–or anything else you want to talk about. Please respond to this topic, no matter what you want to share about. Have a wonderful two weeks!
I just wrote a crazy long post in response to this…. I mean crazy long like I was typing for 30 minutes. Of course, I somehow lost it/deleted it right as I was about to post it, lol.
But I think – I hope – that the process of writing it was what I needed, and not the process of having it read or receiving feedback on it.
The short version is, my “next brave step” is to STAY OPEN.
I recently did several concrete things to develop several of my core gifts. I also had 2 dates, both of which I had moments of revelation and growth during the date and was able to apply things from class. (I detailed all of this in the lost post!) Then, as a direct result of one of the concrete steps I had made, I had a new, potential relationship of inspiration seemingly drop out of the sky and into my lap. All of a sudden I am scared shitless that I am just not ready. I am such a work-in-progress, whereas this particular man (at least initially) seems to have lived a life committed to self-development and consciousness in regard to his gifts and relationships. A partnership needs to be on equal footing. I may have things to learn from him, but could he learn from me? He might open my soul, but can I open his? I am afraid that when he “sees” me, he will decide I am not the whole, conscious, spiritual partner he seeks. I wonder whether he experiences the same types of fears? Or is he long past those insecurities?
I’m trying to acknowledge the progress of baby steps in the right direction, vs. running like an Olympic sprinter in the opposite direction.
Yup, STAY OPEN.
I can totally appreciate your post. I have been told by friends that I close the door too quickly on potential relationships and don’t fully open up (although I feel I am getting better at this the last several months). I have also been told that I get in my own head too much, which it sounds like you are doing. As soon as you recognized that this could potentially be something good, you began listing all the things he may find lacking in you. I think it is great if you found a guy who has already been working on himself and is so aware spiritually. I feel like you should definitely give this a really good chance and not worry about equal footing (you can’t know where he truly stands and all the things that you have to offer him that you might not even be aware of). BTW: I think you DO sound like someone who is a conscious, spiritual person….and could be just what he has been looking for.
~Marla
Hi All,
I haven’t done everything we’ve talked about, and I’ve sometimes had trouble finding time to get onto this site. But, I think the ideas we’ve been discussing are just helpful and supportive. So, this weekend, I almost effortlessly did a few things I’d not done so well in previous weeks.
First, someone in a store commented on the cute little dog with me, and we started talking. We were having a nice chat, when his partner showed up. (I didn’t know he had a partner; if I had, I may have been a little less engaged right from the beginning.) Well, I was a bit disappointed, but ended up chatting with both of them. After a while, we went our separate ways, but I remembered Ken’s comment about letting others know we are single. Thinking that we never know who might be able to introduce us to special people, I said, “It was great to talk with you two. May I give you my phone number?” And, we’ve already exchanged two texts. Maybe we’ll become friends, and I’ll meet some of their friends….
Secondly, today I attended a spiritual group’s service I’d been interested in checking out since…well…last year. (Amazing, how I never seemed to find/make the time, even though I am busy.) Well, I heard some very beautiful messages there, and may go again. Glad I’m opening up to possibilities.
Sexual gifts and brave new steps, how to put down thoughts without ending up with some somnolent screed. I do know, sense, that when my sexual gifts are in play I feel stronger, I sing better, dance better, work out better, speak and read out loud better. I touch others, flesh on flesh, better. Activities- spiritual, physical, political I have embraced these all, for decades. I never entered any of these spaces weighing some sexual possibilities. Perhaps just the opposite I would own to be true. I don’t know, but I do know I have loved all these years the time with others. It has not always been easy but humanly activity it has been. More recently I did chance upon someone- in my square dance club- someone newly come to learn and I asked him would he like me to help. I knew I had to allow myself to be open to any possibility, and so I did, and for two years it continued. It ended but I am okay with this. One learns and moves on. For my brave new step I need to not be so shy in an encounter. I recall a moment on the subway, not so distant, when a fellow sat down close by and made it obvious he was focused on me. He was delightful but I could only acknowledge his presence with some slight smile, not a word. I could have, should have done more.
Since I started this class, I have faithfully listened to all of the calls and have been regularly speaking with Tara, my partner. I joined because I was hoping to get out there and start dating with confidence and only bring my authentic self to the table. Last week I realized another truth: I am not ready to date right now. The reason behind this truth is a new one for me. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to grieve my past failed relationships. I have been waves of sadness (the healthy kind; not depressive) and I’ve cried more since we started this class than I have since childhood. I’ve been doing this kick-ass meditation to honor my past loves. All of this and I am left feeling that there is still much to process and honor before I can start dating in a healthy, open way.
This realization is making it hard to perform the homework. I’m hitting some roadblocks. I’m not sure if it’s a good time to press pause and find a healthy way to process the loss of relationships and lovers. Do you have any suggestions on how to do that? I’ve honestly NEVER felt this way. I’ve prided myself in being able to move one- lightening fast- unaffected by breakups.
Some details I’ve discovered about myself in class:
My gifts I’ve discovered so far. 1) I fall hard and fast 2) I have a very, very tender heart 3) I’m highly empathic. My compensation for these gifts. 1) Jumping from committed long-term relationship to CLT relationship with very little time in between (definitely zero time to grieve the loss of the relationship.) 2) Being incredibly superficial when meeting men/dating and showing them a well-rehearsed persona but never the real me. 3) Having zero nurturing instinct- modeling from my mother…
Looking forward to what unfolds…
Once again, I’m so profoundly moved by your shares. And honored to be facilitating a group with each of you in it. I truly mean this.
Tara, I am on the same page with Marla..The Wave can happen in both directions: a feeling of unworthiness about ourselves when we feel our desire for the other, and a feeling of their unworthiness when we feel thier desire for us. It seems like you’re experiencing the former. I so agree with Marla, ( Marla,thanks for that beautiful share in support of Tara) and with you–don’t flee if you can help it, just go step by step. And please let us know what happens!
When we strart to honor our gifts, small things begin to change pretty quickly. It’s up to us to embrace these changes.
Steve, your stories are cases in point as well, of small new changes you’re embracing. I’m so glad you stayed in touch with those guys. Freindships of inspiration are the ground on which relationships of inbspiration can begin to bloom.
James, I adore what you said about what happens when your sexual self is acknowledged in your day to day interactions. The subway is a perfect example. You found a personal key that moves you and works. Thats a guiding insoght. I hope you keep following it.
Misty, I’m so moved by what you wrote. It’s so important, so true., Its also a sign of things really opening up–a frozen place in your heart is beginning to thaw, magnificantly, but that thawing does hurt deeply at the same time. I encourage you to honor this shift in you–it truly is a sign of a softenin heart. Now, though, you must learn the human skills of greiving, which is connected to the emergence of your own nurturing instince, not given to you by your mother but developing in this journey.
Thank you all!
Hi All,
For my brave next step, I took a chance this past week and went to a literary event with one of my favorite authors. It was the first time I’d ever been to such an event, even though I’ve always wanted to do so. In the past I tended to make excuses not to go these types of things ( “too cold” “too late” “I have to go to work tomorrow”, “I’ll be alone”), but the truth was that I was afraid that I would be disappointed and that it wouldn’t live up to my expectations. I also feared being left out.
Well, I went to the event and I had such a good time. I can honestly say that this event felt tailor made for me. I was surrounded by other book lovers and I struck up conversations with other people effortlessly because we all had a shared interest. I hit it off with the girl sitting next to me and we exchanged numbers and will try and go to events together soon. I also RSVPd to attend a travel event for people who love to travel. It’s a long way from my house, but I think it will be worthwhile to try and attend.
In other reflections, I had a painful realization that deep down I don’t and have not felt good enough for a loving relationship. I, like Tara, am afraid a wonderful guy wouldn’t want to be with me once he learned my sensitivities and struggles. I cried for hours as I faced up to this painful feeling. I hate knowing that I feel this way and I am sad that I have let this belief lead me into so many unfulfilling relationships. Can I overcome this? Am I strong enough to change this? These questions are in my head and heart and I want to try. I have talked with my therapist and she believes that I can. I hope that I can too. I am scared that I might fail.
Hi Kandice,
I definitely think that you CAN change your beliefs about yourself, which will lead to finding the right loving, accepting man for you. The fact that you already did something you would not have done in the past (going to the literary event) shows that you are already making changes. I think it is fantastic that you attended that event – and glad you had such a great time. I think that sometimes in order to change our habitual way of thinking or get ourselves out of a rut, we need to do something out of the ordinary or put ourselves in a unique environment to wake us up.
I haven’t done anything unusual the past two weeks when it comes to relationships (other than remaining open to all the people I meet along the way), but I did find myself in a rut last week when it came to working on my photography business. I got caught up for a few days in the business/accounting side of things (which I don’t care for so much) and realized it made all my creativity & positive energy come to a standstill for a few days. That is when I decided I needed a little shaking up & needed to do something different from my usual routine. Instead of working out at home like usual, I decided to take a pole fit class. After that I went and had a massage using a certificate I had for almost 2yrs. After doing those things I found myself being really inspired again and was able to think creatively once more. I guess the point I am trying to make is that getting out of our comfort zones or doing something different & just having fun can result in bringing unexpected things into our lives like newfound inspiration; friendships; discoveries about yourself; or a great new relationship.
Just getting ready for class and catching up on all of the posts… thank you everyone for sharing. I have spent the last two weeks embracing my happy moments and realizing that I am blessed to have more than my share. I too am an active dater who is more than happy to put on a show. I’ve always felt that I did that because I was hard to get to know. Maybe there are other reasons… I have really been focused on relationships of inspiration vs. deprivation and I have found that many of my friends are in and look for relationships of deprivation. I feel that my eyes have been opened.
My other thought this week was that people that are in relationships seem to have the quality of validation. They can act or say whatever they want and still be accepted. Without that validation it is hard to be yourself because there is the fear that others will think or say, “no wonder she is single..”
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